“I am whom i am. Love it or Hate it ”
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lousy day
Tuesday, October 6 || 10:24:00 AM
im seriously wondering whether am i suffering from some minor depression or something like that. waking up in the middle of the night, sleepless nights, amplify people's comments into some big shit thing that is shooting me, crying unknowningly and lose my confidence.
just like what happen, yesterday was wanting to make breakfast for love on our anniversary this friday and knowing i cannot cook for nuts, i ask around for suggestions. and suddenly in the middle of the night, i received a sms by someone.
Someone: "Just a piece of advice. Sometimes when you give too much. People will feel that you are over doing or sooner. They will take it for granted. Its human. K."I cannot deny that i was affected by this text and my mind starts to wander, thinking that am i giving too much to love? will he take me for granted? and my mood start to swing a little. Love asked me this morning what happen to me and i told him about the someone's msg and instantly he had a change in attitude and mood. and i gonna this outta him.
Love: "I curse that person who said this and try to stir up this between us. Screw him. "I asked him if he were pissed and i gonna this from him.Love: "Because we are fine! Being Busy now doesn't means im taking you for granted. I thought you would understand. I need my girl to be mature and independent."and i got pissed. Thinking why am i telling him these and let him get pissed off with something not said by me. Thinking why he cannot tell me that he loves me and it is of bullshit? i never complained to him about his work and in fact, i tried to be supportive in it.Love: " No. I know you were. But your confidence were swayed by whichever dumb fuck who tried to unsettle us. Its up to you to figure out."and he ignored me for awhile not replying to my msg-es and with me wanting to cry out on the stupid MRT.Love: "Look im stressed enough from work."Love: "You don't understand me."Love: "Thank you for spoiling my day."Love: "Of course i'll do my work."Tears start swelling.Love: "Why must you be insecure? Did i even do anything? I'm just working hard. Is that even wong? Have i ever took you for granted? Can you stop being silly?"Love: "Im not linking. Im just pissed why you even thought that way."No correction, no reassurance and in fact, he slammed me down for things im being influenced, yet not said by me.Love: " I can't keep doing so."Love: "What if one day im not here?"*I swear i can still survive on my own, just like how my parents not wanting to support me. I survived and grow up with me working bloody part time since i was 14. Everyone enjoying themself during their poly days, i worked almost every other day. Rushed from classes to work to sleep to project and back again. I know i can do that!
Love: " You know how much i hate it when you think too much"I HATE IT TOO!Love: "I love you."I still feel like crying, totally cannot focus at work, need to spill this out or my day will be wasted again. How can such comment made by others be making him so pissed? i know im easily influenced and i think alot. i dont know. feeling so much like breaking down. Thinking twice, maybe i am instead the one, aint suitable to be in another relationship.A burden is what im, what i think im, what i believe.damnit! im emotional again!
