“I am whom i am. Love it or Hate it ”
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Sunday, May 30 || 3:01:00 PM
Just some thoughts and am not going to mention names in here.
It was more or less my first time not knowing how to console someone, in fact, yes i do feel helpless and scare at that point in time.
It was middle of the night when we were at the back alley of a quiet street with dim lightings. You wanted to smoke and that's why we were there. Started off our chit chatting session and your simple whining. Things grew intense, you spoke of her. You told me the memories that you would wanted to hide at the deepest, the place where you wish no one will discover and will unfold it.
It was your first, and she has been there for almost 8 months with you having a direct connection to her. I know how precious that connection was to you, back then and now. It was her that gives you courage to face pregnancy and surgery, be it how painful it is. The moment when you see her, you know she was the best gift you have ever had or will have. But the blessing lasted only 3 days and she was never in your arms anymore.
Then, the decision day came when everything seems to be falling apart for you. It's a decision that NO ONE will want to make and will be able to make. Yet, you were force to. I know you love her dearly and you cannot bear to let her go. But she has to go.
It has been a major impact on you and i apologize i wasn't there when it first happened. I know the scar will always remind you of her. Even until now, it's near to her 2 years old birthday. The feeling of missing her grew more each day, the memories of her in your arms keep appearing in your dreams, insomnia came and you couldn't focused at work.
At that moment when you were crying and telling me. I could do nothing, but to hug you tightly and cry together with you. That's the most i could do, burst into tears with you. I know you want to try again and i could sense your fear. I could feel your pain, tear and heartache.
But please, you have to continue trying. She may be gone forever, but she lives in your memories. Sorry, i will not ask you to forget her because i know you couldn't. I will ask you to remember her, in your heart, mind and soul. Then, when you have another one, divert all your love for her over.
We were spotted by people and we decided to head by to the cozy pub, sitting by the bar counter. Your friends were consoling you while i remove my shelter and strong self, cried quietly. I was overwhelmed by the heartache, pain and fear and tears just start swelling up. I couldn't stop at all. You were silly to think i was crying because of my breakup, because i misses my ex. But i was crying for you, on behalf of you and to you.
It's still disturbing me now and i don't know what i can do to help you. I'm sorry that i couldn't help you or be there in the past when you needed someone badly. But now, if you need someone, i'm just a bbm away.
Take care and be strong.
We will walk it through together with you.
With love,
Karine
