“I am whom i am. Love it or Hate it ”

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Why are we still in this state when i tell you so much about how i feel?

Sigh!

Why do i have the feeling that we aint suitable?

Is there a problem with me? with you? or with us?

I tried to help, but i did not.

Damnit, i feel like god damn crying again! FARK!



Im crazy over this song when i was watching "fame". Almost teared when first heard it, it is very sweet. :)

ASHER BOOK - Try

If i walk would you run
If i stop would you come
If i say you're the one would you believe me
If i ask you to stay would you show me the way
Tell me what to say so you don't leave me
The world is catching up to you
While your running away to chase your dream
It's time for us to make a move cause we are asking one another to change
And maybe i'm not ready

Chorus
But i'm trying for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough

If i sing you a song would you sing along
Or wait till i'm gone, oh how we push and pull
If i give you my heart would you just play the part
Or tell me it's the start of something beautiful
Am i catching up to you
While your running away, to chase your dreams
It's time for us to face the truth cause we are coming to each other to change
And maybe i'm not ready

Chorus
But i'm trying for your loveI can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough
I will try for your love
I can hide up above

2x huh huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh huh huhhh

If i walk would you run
If i stop would you come
If i say you're the one would you believe me

i thought i would be brave and strong to do it, yet i fail.
i thought by doing it i would know more about you, yet im puzzled.
i thought knowing you more will be able to read your mind better, yet i confuse myself.
i thought i would not compare, yet i gonna jealous.
i thought i would not think much, yet i lost my confidence.

Pages and pages of your life written not by anyone else but you the author seems to contain alot of sadness, alot of sorrows, alot of ups and downs in your life. you have been through alot for these past years and im sorry that i wasnt there for you then.

You are special because you have your friends, your loved ones. Many hi-bye friends as well. Sometimes, one may be biased to another instead of you but still, they loves you. For an example, mommy biased my elder brother because he is the first child, but she loves me too. Daddy pampers me because im the only daughter but he loves my brothers too. I may scold my siblings being useless but i love them too. The reason is that we are one family and that is non-replaceable.

So many thoughts are trying to outburst through my mind after reading about you and your life. So many things i want to tell you, but i dont know how.

Aint suppose to compare, but it pulled down my confidence level. My mind is being irritating AGAIN as it starts to wander, yet AGAIN.

Maybe i aint the best for you?
you love A so much yet you are never together, your love for B was yet returned by her, C is never bad to you, always there for you and i think she needs you.

Damnit!

I shall never overestimate myself again because i dont wish to put myself through this. Curiosity kills, but overestimating oneself feels more like taking a knife and poke myself and thinking " what the fuck am i doing this to myself?" while looking at the wound that is bleeding non-stop!

OKIE! *call out to myself* "Karine Kwan!!!" *trying to look at myself through my monitor screen. HA!* "Grab a hold of yourself and stop the Drama-mama act!!!!!"

BOOHOO!

Love, why are you so puzzled over something that is rather simple and easy if you are willing to do it? All I wish you can adapt and get used to having a girlfriend, someone that shares your joy, your sorrow and in general, your emotions. A girlfriend whom is going to be very naggy and bitchy whom will ask anything and everything about you and your life. She meant no harm but she just hope to be involved in your life. Wish that you could think of her and be open and accept the love that she’s giving.

Both of us come from different background, different aspect of life and definitely influenced and brought up to different characteristics. We are still accommodating to one another and learning to live with each other, I can see the effort between us. When you asked me whether did we changed when we had status? I think yes. I would want and ask more from you and sometimes, I would expect you to notice the smallest hint that I have dropped. I would be temperamental and irritates you many times, I would feel emotional and let my mind to control over me and let it wanders too much and starts to cry unknowingly. I would want to see you more, meet-up with you more, hear your voice more. I think I’m obsessed about you. HA!

But this is the nature of WOMAN. We behave in an odd manner and we seek attention all the time. We are volatile and we know that we are too. Like what I told you, “When woman fall in love, we fall deep and spend 101% of our attention, tender, loving and care on our love one. But when we hate the guy, we transform the 101% of love to 101% of hatred! That is WOMAN! We love and hate bravely. HA! Don’t worry, I’m still in the loving stage ya? : )

And we always teased one another saying with status, we changed. No more romantic acts, no more extra effort spend, no more dating session but we know we are only teasing one another. It is our way of communicating with each other. Laopo say we are a pair of childish couple, always write love you and miss you in facebook and then both of us will like that particular post! Hahahahaa. What to do when my boyfriend is obsessed in Facebook as much as I’m obsessed about him?

Speaking about it, we had a weird conversation after our argument yesterday ya?

Me: And what?
Baby: I love you?
Me: you will accept me? As in me?
Baby: Yes!
Me: and don’t pick on me?
Baby: I NEVER!
Me: I love you too!

HAHAHAHAH!

2 strong headed person trying to be together with only the power of love. I remember something that you had said, I don’t know if you remember…

“I only love you for a reason, and the reason is love. It’s a simple yet powerful reason”

I believe it, just because of you…

you have quietly entered my life and when i realised, i cannot stop it because i need you.

WILL NOT
i will not compare
i will not compete
i will not replace
i will not be greed and ask for more
i will not get jealous easily
i will not let my mind wanders too much

WILL
i will love you more
i will dote you more
i will miss you more
i will be confident, more.

Everyone have their past and how their relationship used to be. i was curious about yours, so i back -tracked your life in 2006. you were sweet, passionate, lovely, romantic and sincere. (just like the one that i have met in 2009, but a more matured one, one that been through quite a lot and have a protective shield trying to protect his soul.)

Everyone of us are different through their strengths and weaknesses. With time, we will adapt and accomodate. i don't know what will happen to us, will it last, will it be happiness, will it end up like fairytale those "happily ever after" stories.

ALL I KNOW RIGHT NOW IS I FEEL FOR YOU AND I NEED YOU.

you may be stubborn, silly, ego, refuse to admit defeat, unromantic, annoying and etc.... BUT IT IS YOU, the one that i know from start, the one that i know i will need to adapt to be together to have that happily ever after fairytale dream of mine.

i will try....


*Editted after baby reads it!*
How could he only reads the part that i say that he is unromantic and blah blah blah when i actualy wrote such a nice and sweet post about our relationship? BOOHOO! my boyfriend is dumb! hahahahahah!

with loves,
Kar

Went to meet my lawyer yesterday all alone, feeling weird about it but I think I will need to face it bravely myself. Lawyer was telling me that my claim will at least take 1.5 to 2 years to settle and right now, she just needs me to recover, and to recover fully. That is my aim too!

Last night I couldn’t sleep again. Woke up at 3plus am and was awake till 4 plus? Before I doze off, and I was late to work. Send a crude sms to baby last night, I was seriously pissed! How could you sms-ed me halfway and just suddenly mia and disappeared? I called and I texted you but you did not replied at all. From 11 plus till 3 plus and all you reply was a “hmm?” you told me you were charging phone and you expect me to accept it.

Maybe you don’t even care whether am I awake waiting for you or not. I know you are stressed up over the fact that you cannot chase your dream, have to work with alternatives and see how the outcome will turn out. All I can say is that, not every one is lucky to do what they want to do. But working with alternatives may not be as bad. You dint wanna a girlfriend and you gonna one, one that gives you attention when you needed. I hope it dint turn out bad too.

Maybe you really don’t need to have a girlfriend, no need to update her, no need to hear her nag, no need to spend time with her. How could you be doing something halfway and do other things and totally ignored what you previously were doing? I don’t know.

I was trying to go back to sleep and I was stupid enough to cry again! And I don’t know why. Damnit! Sigh!

Must be PMS acting up on me!

feeling much better from my illness, no more feverish night shivering non-stop and wanting to cry to feel better. this weekend is so slow for me, no late nights, not much activities, it is suppose to be rest day for me to further recover. but still, BOOHOO! i should have planned a little more activities so that i wont have to stay home finding things to do. HA!



Yesterday, i went to surprise visit baby, as usual, with a liangteh in hand and a great big wide smile :), went to his house and tell him to open his door! HA! Although he dint say, i could feel that at least, i manage to brighten up his tiring day a little. He has been working for F1 this weekend and unable to accompany me, long hours standing and i think it is rather tiring for him too! so GANBATTE BABY!!!! Today last day of work le. Whoohoo!!!!



Afterwhich, i was booked by laopo to accompany her to a exclusive event by Cosycot where quite a no. of cosmestic and facial's brands are setup to showcase their products. it means another temptation for me to spend more money again! but this time, an investment and as a pamper for my dearest FACE that gone through many days of make-up!!! hahaahah!



I spend approximately $80 bucks there getting back quite a no. of items...

1. Kose Facial mask & face lotion $35

2. Eye make-up remover $10.30

3. Thermal water spray $12.50

4. Bio-essence takana day cream $18

5. Bio-essence takana Duo-effect $27 (discounted $13.50 - because the sales person mis-calculate one of it so laopo and i spilt the misfortunate of others)

AND, we gonna alot of goodie bags full of vouchers, samples. and also, i won the Osim 4th hour lucky draw item - One of the relaxation player cost $59.

:)

P.S: im missing you, i think we need to go out dating on Monday or i will be deprived of YOU. :) loves.

WARNING! Long post!!!

I went to Pasir Ris Park for fishing session on Monday with baby, stupid guan, liting baobei and Yiting darling. It wasn’t a pleasant trip for the guys because quarter through the process, it rains, and it rains till night falls . The guys have to remove their top and hand it over to us just to ensure that at least, THEY HAVE A DRY TOP TO WEAR AFTER FISHING! HA! While we girls were told to take shelter, we happily grabbed our “farmland hot and spicy” potato chips, Iced lemon tea (which is no longer “ICED”), mosquito coil, tissue box and 瓜子 and went ahead to find a hut to take cover.

I realized how crazy 2 girls can start gossiping, where 1 packet of chips aint enough! When baobei came to find us, she helped us to buy another packet!!!! :D and 3 of us just started chatting till we got bored of it and hungry. Then, we see 2 half naked man running towards us!!! LOL! Baby and stupid were shivering like mad and they were drenched. Quickly wiped dry them and we walked out proceeding to dinner! I suggested Chompang and off we head to there. The route there was sooooo familiar where I used to head the same path for 1.5 years to work. Ahhhh! And glad that SanSan and dandan suggested going to this Thai 煮炒, a lot of people eat there and the fish is good there!!!! Eat, ate and eaten fully!!!!

Then!!!!!! On Wednesday morning, I felt something wasn’t right about me, feeling sick, feverish and stoning. I thought it was just a morning blues which I ignored and proceed on to work. But when I was standing in train to head to dobby, it was my worst experience man! I wanted to squat and sit down in the cabin but I couldn’t. I have to bite my teeth and bear with it till I reach office! I left work half day because I totally cannot t bear it, vomited 3 times and feel so much like crying out to make myself to feel much better.

Baby was very nice to offer to pick me up although he was still rather sleepy. He accompanied me to RMG to see doctor. The waiting process was near to an hour and the doctor actually missed my queue no! Damn BOOHOO! Baby told me to wait for awhile as he head to buy liangteh for me. He left and I was half asleep waiting for my turn to see doctor. Then he came back with 2xbots of liangteh, 1x Mr’s bean pancake, 1 stalk of pink rose. : ) I was indeed very touched by his action.

He knew that nobody at home to take care of me, he offered to ask me to head to his house to rest first, grab my dinner then head home. I felt I was very dependent on him, never have I feel like that in the past that I’m willing to rely on another one fully. I was like a small little girl with him taking care of. We went home, changed, then I was looking for contact lens casing which I forgotten I have brought home the other day was missing. He then went out to help me buy the solution and casing without complaining. Before he left, he gave me a cup of water, a bowl of soup as I was a little hungry and medicine for me to eat.

When he was back, I took out my lens and head to bed. The medicine was powerful and I was real sleepy. All I know was baby checking out on me once in a while, and when I nudge him while he is asleep that I wanna head to toilet, he woke up and accompanied me to (without complaining). He used wet towel to wiped me and put on my forehead to lower my temperature. Then as we woke up to eat dinner, he washed my bowl for me and nudged me to sleep again! When it was about time for me to head home, I feel much better and I can see baby was less worried.

Silly boy actually stayed up the night to wake me up to take my medicine. so adorable. :)

Thank you my boyfriend for taking care of me. I really appreciate the things you do for me. Loves.

P.s: Thank you auntie for the sugar cane & water chestnut drink! it is very nice and i finished all up within the day... Can i be more greedy and ask for more? Cause baby say greed is good! HAHAH!

This weekend was spend in a rather different manner where i skipped my usual clubbing, drinking and chilling session and instead, i went prawning, fishing, picnic-ing with snacks, wedding dinner. LOL!

Prawning this time round is so much better! With lesser crowd meaning more prawns to catch!!!! :P within 3 hours, we managed to gathered 40 prawns with 2 rods!!!! *claps* as compared to previous, 12 prawns with 2 rod? WTF? (bearing in mind that i prawn NOTHING the previous time! HA!!!)






Should go there more!!!!! my new prawning kakis are : baby, guan, ting, liting and uncle LIM!!!! WHOOHOO!!!!

So, sometimes no clubbing and drinking can also be very fun!!!!

Cheers!
Karine

Hmmm! so much to say but so lazy to blog! Will see if I have the mood to blog at a later stage or if anyone wanna know more, go to my facebook! You will get my latest updates there!

In short!

I AM ATTACHED TO MISTER SOH JUN QUAN, ELMO!!!!!!





=)

Finally being discharged by CGH with regards to my Slipped disc, means no more travelling down to CGH, waiting for my turn to see doctor and having annual leave or medical leave just for the sake of going to the doctors. Although the pain have subside, but at times, I could still feel the soreness, the cranky old woman aching especially during (before/after) raining days.

I was given many painkillers, half year supply of Vitamin B for my nerves and some Pilate actions to strengthen my stomach muscles. I was told that the aching feeling will take at least another few months to go away. Sigh! BOOHOO! Was told to go back to exercising though, think I will start it slow by swimming this weekend. : )

Something funny, mommy saw my phone with my DP being ME and someone. Then she started her investigation as a police officer and confronted me as a criminal. Haha! Ask me who is he, what he is doing, how I know him? What type of person he is? And yada yada yada, countless of questions until she is satisfied. Hahahaa. Oh well, at least now my whole family knows about him! Ahahaha

Oh ya, laopo have gonna food poisoning last week and went over her house to visit her as well as showing her my concern and showering her my love. Glad that she felt better and at least, now can go back to work. Take care laopo. : ) I miss you during office days without you, no endless of emails flopping into my inbox and no more gossiping to get the day passed quick! I just cant live without you la. hahahaa

I really not know what I should be saying now! I am very angry and I am jealous! I have put it across to you without protecting myself from getting hurt because I wan you to know how I feel. I am not saint, I may not ask, I may not comment and that doesn’t means I don’t care.

I NEVER stop you from meeting friends!
I NEVER tell you what you should be doing!
I NEVER tell you not to talk to anyone just because I don’t like he/she!
I NEVER tell you to forgo the friendship just for me!
I NEVER tell you that your world should only have me!

All I merely say was what I feel:

I don’t like it when you say you love me and tell me I am your woman and on the other hand, seeing you posting certain comments to your friend. I am jealous because me myself do not do that to mislead people. Maybe you are used to behaving this way, maybe you thought that I would understand as long as you tell me you love me and no one else, I would accept it.

I may accept it most of the times, but it is not going to happen when I am grumpy or upset!

And if you don’t like it, SHOO it out! I don’t want to start a new chapter with the fact that I know I am going to quarrel plenty over this. I really don’t like it that when such conflicts arises, you just MIA and refuses to talk about it. I need you to talk so that I can know how you feel, or at least, I can try to accommodate!


Last night was very emotional, and I shouldn’t have behaves that way in the first place. But as I listened to songs more, I feel tears starting to swell and I cannot control. Tears just start rolling down! I despise myself being a weakling, despise myself for showing my weakness to others, and despise myself to be again, dependent on someone else. I dint know I cried till what time and my last scene was that I decided to finally stop listening to music and rest my mind.

Everyone is saying that I have been thinking a lot lately but I know it deep down that this is the ME that I have always behaved. Think a lot but refuses to tell others. Thoughts just keep appearing in my mind unless for days where I worked real hard and I will knocked out to my precious bed.

I have to admit, days with him seem to be happier and moments with him seems to be short and insufficient but it seems like as time slowly unfold, if character is unsuitable, with how strong love is, the couple will be tired as well.

Like what I told you, I feel that you and she are a perfect match, and that she is able to take good care of you and love you for whom you are and also, reads your mind. May be you can reconsider your route before you put your another foot into this.

Damnit! I really dislike myself being emotionally unstable, and insecure! WHERE IS THE KARINE THAT I KNOW!!!! I can’t even find her when I look right into the mirror!!!

Don’t tell me that the outburst I had yesterday aint enough! FARK!

These days are so tiring even though it seems like I am not doing a lot of things though. Feels like I am taking this week as the slow week where I would be less stressful.  Been eating quite a lot these days to curb my stress level I think. Hahaha. Nevertheless I would want to start my swimming real soon.

What about my life? Hmmmm. Been discharged by CGH with regards to my slipped disc and has an open date for the appointment meaning if within 2 months, anything happens to me, I can proceed back to CGH to see the doctor. Asked the doctor about the pain and the aching and he mentioned that it would/should take another few months to recover. *I seriously hope so*

I am glad that I have spoken to Shane and at least, he is treating me like a friend. Really appreciate it! Hope he would be able to get over soon! Feeling bit guilty to bluff him that my blog is down though! Hahahaa who cares!

I haven been going dating for the past 1 week though. Hahaha! I feel like watching movie, eating nice food, relaxing and chill.  But at least for the week I did something useful, and also I get to taste great home cooked food. Mommy haven been cooking for the week lo and I missed her food as well! 

P.S: Rain rain go away! Hate the aching part and I refuses to eat painkillers!!!!!

Boring me,
Karine