“I am whom i am. Love it or Hate it ”

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Okay, this shall be the last post that i will be writing for him now as my ex boyfriend.

After yesterday incident, it strengthen the fact that we are indeed a misfit. The thoughts and the belief that you had are often tough for me to understand or to share the same belief.

And at the same time, i actually needed a boyfriend whom will support me irregardless whatever happens. But at that moment when i told you something, you shooted me down even before considering my feelings. You may feel you told me the actual reason and that could be enough. But there again, it's the process that hurts, and it's never pretty much about the ending.

Alas, i would conclude i give up. Finally letting go this relationship, know that he no longer has that kinda feelings for me. Those that he would be crazy over me, and will do all sort of things to make me happy. I think it is the heartbeat faster kinda feeling. Maybe it was just an affection from his side, and it became a habit.

But whatever it is. He did appeared in my life and i have to appreciate him, be it whether he hurt me, ditch me or what-so-ever.

Thank you Mister Soh.

Thanks for taking care of me for almost the past 1 year, cheering me up and doing all sorta stunt on me. I will never forget those moments at the bridge, the hair blower issue, the air gun things, the quarrels and etc. Those are part and parcels of memories where i will be throwing them into the hidden memories. And will think of it once in awhile. :)

We may be fuck up and complicated, messed up from the start. but the fact is, we started and we ended.

Take care alright? and remember your meals and stop working like a crazy dude! i hope you get to go oversea for your further studies!!!! And enjoy your companion with your friends.

Good bye.

Anyway, we may need to meet up one day to pass you back your shirt. Wait till the day we will start talking again ba.


P.S: All my friends whom are concern, please stop spouting his negative things to me alright? it's over and i don't want to talk about it. :D but thanks for you guy's concenr.
___________________________________________________

As for me, i woke up. Wake up from the dream of pinching a little more hope. A little more hope of getting back together. He may be fuck up but he is still one that i love.

I decided to also throw the love i had for him in my hidden memories corner and buck up my life again.

Am going to study, work and play hard. And maybe, once i take out my braces, i will try SQ. LOL! but anyway, i feel more relieved after the cried i had yesterday.

Even when reading the harsh comments made by him and his friends, it seems immune to me. Maybe im used to it or i really let it go.

Not going to think about it though. :)

做人开心就好。

P.S: A new beginning.

If you guys are curious why am i so attracted to my ex? i wonder why as well.

Im always rather strong-headed person, and usually, i will be the one taking care of my boyfriend.

But he,

He is different.

He is the only one that took care of me when i was running fever and i remember that day, he accompanied to see doctor, bought me herbal tea and a stalk of rose. Then brought me to his house to take care of me. Then, he was sleeping next to me and couldn't sleep well. At times, took wet towel to wipe me, check my temperature and woke me up to eat medicine. Then, i feel protected.

Yes, protected is the right word.

No man up-to-date have given me protection.

Then...

I fall deeper in love with him.

He may be busy, unable to cope with time, weird characters and thinking, childish at times, but still, he always give me the minimum comfort that i needed, which is protection.

It's the feeling that whenever im with him, i will feel safe... that draws me closer to him.

Maybe it's really my fault for not giving him enough support when he's working at such a tough moment.

i think i need to walk around my house's park again tonight. Insomnia is affecting me rather badly last few days and i think tonight, i would be able to sleep.

No more comfort, no more confident, more tears and sadness.

Yes, im crying now again. Alone in office looking at my food yet no appetite.

Once again, im heartbroken.

Things seems so complicated between us and i know. you guys are going to tell me i deserved it as i should have stay out of contact with him.

The feeling is still terrible, he seems to remain cool and he doesn't seems to care about me.

My emotions were like roller-coaster and everything when i couldn't control it, i hope to delete his msn, bbm, hp no and facebook.

What's more is that i remember his no, his email add. Even my lappy password is his IC no. i know it's like so what the fuck.

Now he seems drawing away from me and yet again, i feel heart broken.

He may not be the best man whom have treated me the best. Giving me his love, care and concern. Every Sunday, i dream that he would ask me out. Everyday i wish that he would bbm me. that's how i gonna past last week.

Not drinking and partying and finding new guys at all. i cannot moved on or should i say i don't want to move on.

Everytime he say don't see a future in us, in his career and he don't believe in marriage hurts me.

Am i really sucha lousy girlfriend that i cannot even make the guy i love into believing me, believing my love and believing into settling down with me.

Once again, i teared.

I admit, i'm weak.

After 1 week of struggling, i thought things are progressing, in the end, it is back to square one!

now, im still undergoing the heartbreaking moment once all over again.

How could one break up and start FLIRTING with girls, saying that he's single and he seems happy about it? AM I SUCHA BAD GIRLFRIEND?

Once again i cant focus at work and i start crying over and over again.

FUCK YOU!
you care, you talk, but your actions ARE HURTING ME!

WHATEVER!

I have just heard a drastic news that almost make me wanna breakdown again.

I think most of you do not know. Due to some seriously-fucking-have-problem decision made by my family, my dad decided to sell his flat in order to generate more income when he gonna his CPF.

And now, im staying in a rental flat and the fucking landlord is asking us to shift, by 1st Jun. Or, let him stay with us where he would reduce the rent a little.

My selfish brother whom i have asked him out to talk does not take any fucking interest at the situation. FUCKING HIM still happily sit in his room playing the FUCKING computer. YOU ARE ALREADY FREAKING 28 YEARS OLD AND MARRIED. CAN YOU FOR ONCE USE YOUR BRAIN INSTEAD OF USING YOUR DICK TO THINK?

Say want to shift house, even before deciding if we are financially stable to make such shifting. Reason given say too many people! YOU WERE THE FUCKING ONE THAT LET YOUR WIFE'S SISTER AND SISTER BOYFRIEND TO SLEEP AT OUR HOUSE, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Told you to look into repossessed flats, you tell me to find and you submit the document. YOU ARE FUCKING 28 YEARS OLD, CAN YOU FOR ONCE MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION. IT'S GOING TO BE YOUR FLAT! NOT MINE, NEVER WILL BE MINE! YOU GET IT? SO WHY AM I PUTTING IN SUCH EFFORT FOR YOU?

Im having project submission next week and this is the shit i get from you right now this very moment! IF YOU TELL ME YOU CAN NOT SUPPORT THE WHOLE FAMILY, DON'T LET ME SEE YOUR WIFE CARRYING LV OR EVEN, PLAN TRIPS TO TAIWAN!

Wanted to talk to him, yet, he felt asleep. It seems like anything related to my well being is no longer a important factor to you. the only reason i could give is that you are tired and you are sleepy. WHATEVER!

This is what i call embarrassment in my family! fuck! damn stressed and im facing this shit.

GOOD JOB.

Nowadays i found even more annoymous readers checking out on my life. Just some updates since still quite a few more of you guys are asking me how am i.

These few days were the getting used period where i will, unknowningly remember him. Do not even need to go to places where we went before but just simple meals. E.g: If im eating, i will be worrying if he's eating as well. When i was wandering around park, i will be thinking if he has ended work and head home to rest.

Many of you have asked me to stop contacting him, ignoring him and in fact, tell me that he's the one that is causing such misery on me, why do i even need to care about him? Some even said that i should be glad that he's out of my life.

What i have to say:
I treat every r/s of mine seriously and i will never badmouth any single one of them. Every r/s i have fallen in love, i make sure i put in 101% effort and feeling to him. If he's not returning it, so be it. But please, don't use outsider's point of view to judge us or solely, to judge him. Everyone of us makes a decision based on how we personally feel, but not on others.

Yes, even after broke up, i still love him. It's those kinda feeling whenever i thought about him, i teared. It may only be months, but the feeling on my end is like a sigma, infinite.

Maybe he will find someone better than me. :) i hope he will, all i wish is he would be happy.

Anyway, i couldnt concentrate at all these days. And the reason for my constant breaking down is my :

1. r/s,
2. next week projects submission yet i couldnt concentrate
3. colleague leaving and have yet found any replacement,
4. next week exam.

Wish me luck.

With love,
Karine

Okay, i do realise i have some readers in my blog, they are those secretly reading updates about my life and yet, do not tell me that they actually do it. anyways, just some updates for those whom are concern about my breakup. (I do not know why but i do have a feeling he might also be reading on my blog, hoping i wasn't greatly affected. i do hope he reads as well.)

I stopped crying on Saturday itself, during then, it was a massive breakdown. Crying in the room without lights and no sniffing because i share a room with my parents. Used up a few packet of tissues with my eye swollen till i looked into the mirror, i looked like a puffyfish.

Weekend was terrible for me, couldn't be able to do work at all as i couldn't focus. Luckily i do have some appointment with certain friends to keep myself occupied and entertained.

Went for photoshooting last Sat and afterwhich, Bestie and i headed down to Bedok to sing k. After 1 full year where we both headed to sing K, all alone by ourself. :) Had a great time, and thank you for your companion. You happen to be with me when i needed companion. I love you la Sister as much as i know you don't read blogs. -_-'''

Afterwhich, we had dinner at Crystal Jade as a Belated birthday dinner from her!!!!

okay, as most of you closer ones may know. i have been undergoing emotion roller-coaster badly these few days. Woke up and cried and couldn't sleep in the middle of the night.

Yes, just to clear everyone's question and concern.

I have broken up with my boyfriend.

I'm undergoing the period of recovering. it doesn't seems good as its affecting my sleep and thinking but i will try.

So people, do ask me out ya? i need some schedules.


Something that guan told me to read.



Went to Butter on Wednesday to Celebrate Meiling Darling's 22nd Birthday, it was a Blast although we only stayed till 2plus am. Many of them had a off-day the next day but im the unfortunate ones. HA! In Fact, it was my first time to Butter, pretty small and squeezy but overall was great due to the great companions i had.

Happy Birthday Darling! i Love you la!




Because it was a Ladies' Night, it means Free Flow of Housepour from 10pm till 1am. LOL! this was like rounds of free booze for us in preparation of making Darling drunk.... LOL!



Is this really how you wanted it to end?

Do not even want to try?

It is logical that human beings need communication and respect but why don't i see it in you?

Yes, We talked.

But why it seems nothing important?

I tried to make you feel special and important to me in the midst of rushing through homeworks, projects and work. Tried to make sure that my existance as a girlfriend is still the one that shows you most concern, love and care.

but it doesn't seems likewise.

I asked you for dinner, first you reject, then you decided to go out with friends for dinner. Maybe you aint really that tired,or perhaps, dinner with your girlfriend is consider boring and dull!

So i have decided, no more emo posts and no more putting you infront of me. Eat or not is your own business. I shall not even make the slightest comments on you eating maggie mee or even, asked with regards whether have you taken your meals.

Have it not even ring in your mind that since the usual Sundays are taken up by work, you are supposed to subsititue your any other day for it.

That's it.

I will ignore and behave just like the way you treat me,
i will put myself infront of you,
i will tell myself that i should actually supppose to be love and pamper like how a girlfriend suppose to be.

Someone once told me:

You should never settle anything lesser than what you had, you moved for the better and never look back.

If this is how you would want it, i will play by your game and one day in mind, you will regret.

This is not outta revengue, but i think i had enough.

It may sound crude, but i actually feel more lousy than ever~ like always, im the one being troublesome and picky. it's like whatever~

As a matter of fact, people come and leave your life, they moved on to another phrase of life. Yes, and this time round i meant my gay partner, have been colleagues for the almost a year, always meddling our own business and only until recently, we had more topics.

He has yet revealed that he's leaving but i wish him all the best for his future and i do pray hard that the next one that is going to take over him aint going to give me any headaches.

Second term of school seems so fast, have yet to realise it and it's almost time for me to submit my projects. Hope i will have better groupmates and i will stop whining all about them.

Tonsilitis seems to recover and i have been a good girl, drinking lotsa water!!!! :)